paying in rage
next time i will be scream sooner,
releasing the valve
before rage boils over
because otherwise they will leave me to fester
until my pain is honed, sharp,
and felt.
a small story as a black woman navigating the US medical system (fun fact: the likelihood of dying from a pregnancy-related cause is 2.5 times higher for a Black woman in this country than for a white woman).
it was at the ripe age of 17 that i realized doctors didn't have my back. my pediatric pcp, who had overseen me and my 3 siblings since we were born, thought there was nothing wrong. i was in once a month, then twice, and finally weekly for excruciating pain and fatigue. yet i was continually sent home with an imaginary band-aid. maybe a blood test.
at the time i believed it was my teenage angst. the spitting rage i was forced into to be taken seriously. and oh, how quick and easy the celiacs diagnosis was after that. now i look back and know my wrath stemmed from something more systematic.
after a few other minor (and negative) interactions i did my best to float out of the medical system. life took over, i figured out enough by myself, and i forgot the acuteness of it.
and then my sister totals her car. and is told her wrist xray looks fine, that the agonizing pain she's feeling will go away soon. when she comes back a few days later crying, she's again told there's nothing to be done. call back in two weeks if it hasn't improved. 2 weeks pass, a call is made, and an mri is scheduled for 3 weeks out. mri shows shattered areas that should have been pinned and multiple ligament problems.
same story different time. black woman shouldnt have to pay in tears and pain and anger to be taken seriously. we've never even asked for a solution. just validation. but that is too much to expect from a system that will always, eventually, profit off our pain.